Paint The Stars Art Therapy, LLC

Log Out of Chaos. Sign in to life.

Will the rise of technology mean the fall of human interaction? I know we talk about it all the time—technology is taking over! Technology is out of control! But what does it all really mean and how does it affect you and your family?

As a therapist working with children and adolescents, the unrelenting use of technology astounds me. Don’t get me wrong; I too enjoy my smartphone, my tablet and my apps, and I often use them with my clients. But the latest gizmos are not all I have at my disposal.

Take something as wonderful as the phone. We’d all agree it is a great invention, super-important to the world of communication. And its power has grown exponentially since the time of Alexander Graham Bell. When my clients fill out paperwork, they don’t give me a home phone number—that’s just silly—they give me cell phone numbers. And I do mean numbers, because everyone in the family has their own line. Even the 10-year-olds! Not only does she have a phone but she can Skype, Snapchat and tweet with the best of ’em!

Lately I wonder if I am the only one left with a landline—an actual phone plugged into a jack in a wall in my home. A home phone line is a beautiful thing, and let me tell you why: On a daily basis I hear teens discussing ongoing misunderstandings that derive from a text. Not just any text but—get this—the text “k” is ripping friendships apart. I know, I was astounded when I learned this. Apparently “k” is the equivalent insult of saying “screw you.” Of course, I questioned the teens I was working with … How can one little letter do all of that? Their response: “Ohmygod! Someone saying “k” is like the worst response ever! It basically means that person does not care about what you are saying.” Umm, really? Are we sure about that? And then, just like a rock concert chorus they all chimed in to state that “k” is absolutely unacceptable and is hands-down one of the most “frustrating text messages” you can receive. Imagine if I decided to do therapy via texting and I innocently responded with “k?” I may have just been the cause of a mental breakdown! Well, this is just a small example into our exploration of why and how technology is damaging us.

Whatever happened to pen and paper? Remember those things? The average 13- through 18-year-old that I work with does not need to write one single thing down, ever, during the day. So how do they manage to do this? Laptops for everyone! In school “writing” assignments are done on a Word doc. How’s that for irony? Phone calls have literally been replaced by text messages. I recently asked a teen client of mine to describe her negative thoughts to me in writing, including how often they come up. She handed me her iPhone with an open “note” app and showed me her work. Really?! It’s like someone outlawed writing utensils. Now, some of the more well-coffered schools hand out iPads instead of books. (So you better make sure you have eye care on your health plan.)

Traditional art making has gone digital as well. I love so many of my art-creating apps, but nothing—and I mean nothing—can substitute a piece of charcoal in my hand or a brush freshly dipped in watercolor paint. When I was explaining the idea of blending to a child I was working with she responded with, “Oh I get it, it’s like what I do on my sketch app with my finger!” I wanted to scream! Art doesn’t imitate life anymore; technology replaced art! In real life, when you finish a project you will actually have some art-making residue on your finger, some remnants of your creation, some dirt.

Here’s what is really ticking me off. I, the ignorant therapist, believe: OK, kids are obviously amazed by technology. But can I show them all of the amazing things they can do with some paper and pencil? Can I make them realize that with such simple yet wonderful tools they too will be amazed at what they can create? No battery needed! I believe I can convert them, but my shocking reality check comes when I show them what they can do with pencil and paper and they tell me, What’s the point because it looks so much better on my tablet. It’s a Sissyphean challenge.

(Can you hear that? It’s a violin playing the sorrowful tune of the death of true creation.)

So if I can’t convince a kid to actually talk to a friend or write a sentence or pick up a physical paintbrush, then maybe I can at least convince them to go outside? Remember that place that’s just on the other side of their door? No? If they look beyond their computer or phone screen they may just find that big blue openness I refer to as “sky.” Still not sure what I am speaking of? Well, the reason they don’t is because ‘outdoors’ is now more often experienced inside a living room. They have Wii or Xbox where they can storm the fields at Normandy or roam the pitch at Old Trafford or throw the ball home at Wrigley. They can play golf at Augusta, throw a Frisbee, go fishing—go anywhere—without actually going anywhere. There is an actual video game called “Active Life Outdoor Challenge.” WHAT???? How about the ‘challenge’ of, you know, ACTUALLY GOING OUTDOORS!!!

Technology is at our fingertips; it’s in our pocket at all times nowadays. So please tell me why the number one reason I hear from kids as to why they are depressed, addicted, cutting, etc., is that they are bored? No matter how many devices we have charging at once we are still bored. Small town or big city, it makes no difference.

Take a quick trip with me down the memory lane of a 30-something-year old therapist. I can remember being 10 and being bored. And then I went outside and rode my bike for hours. I released natural endorphins I didn’t even know about and I was as happy as I could be. I can remember being 13 and being bored. I’d grab a notebook and a favorite pen and I’d write some fun stories. Sometimes they were about me or my family and friends. Sometimes they’d be about nothing at all. And that kept me busy—for hours. I can remember being 16 and being bored. I’d call a friend and talk—T-A-L-K—about what we could do. We’d go to the movies or for a walk on the local strip. And if no one I called answered I’d grab some sketching paper and art tools and I’d create. And I was happy and busy and focused—for hours. My idea of a video game was trying to steal my sister’s GameBoy for all of 30 minutes. The idea of sending a friend text or words was obviously not a thought. Talking, hearing emotion, being able to know what the other person actually means when they say “k” was fantastic. Actually knowing when a friend was mad at me versus guessing based off of the way they texted “Hi” just sounds exhausting. I still choose the long lost art of speaking. (And don’t get me started on the draws of social media. Today in a teen group I asked what they felt was the biggest problem facing their generation. One person answered me: Social Networking.)

The fact is, I am 32 years old, and I do not consider myself old at all. As I stated in the beginning I embrace technology. The benefits are numerous, and as technology continues to get smarter and stronger and brighter I will continue to use it just like everyone else. But I won’t be dependent on it. I can’t be. I won’t let it overtake some of the little things in life, the little joys. I want my family to enjoy the same great things I enjoyed as a kid—and they can’t do that if they let technology run their lives. I do not want to embrace the age of carpel tunnel and blindness. I may have typed this onto my tumblr blog via my laptop but my notes came from random scraps of paper and napkins that I doodled and jotted ideas on.

Challenge yourself and your family to turn off the tech and turn on the reality. See where it gets you. I challenged one family just this week to turn off their television at dinner and they found they actually can enjoy talking to each other. Who’d’a thunk it?! That’s all, k?

Reinventing Nope To Dope

I may have not been in high school in over, oh, 14 years or so, but does Nope to Dope still exist? Hugs not drugs? Do kids have any idea that they can actually say no?” Lately, I’m not sure.  Okay, I remember making snide remarks and laughing at the idea of Nope to Dope but when it came down to it that silly slogan made me feel better about turning drugs down.

Unfortunately I now can’t escape these drugs because so many teens I meet and work with everyday are battling with addiction. Every story I hear sounds the same: It started with pot and drinking every once in a while, then I tried a Roxy … or maybe it was a Molly … maybe it was a hit of cocaine or heroin … After a while it’s hard to remember what came first.

Let’s educate for a minute those of you that may have lost me at “Roxy.” Roxies are slang for opiates—known in the medical field as painkillers. Sometimes referred to as “blues,” these little pills are what is commonly prescribed after a major surgery. Roxies/blues are those very same opiates you may have heard of as Oxycodone or Oxycontin. Opiates are highly addictive and can be a cheap score on the street. For around $10 your kid can take a ride on the opiate express. Why so cheap? Well, like potato chips you can’t have just one. One a day leads to one at each meal or multiple pills per sitting. Sometimes the itch gets so bad there are some that are willing to crush and inject the pills, for a quicker and more intense high. These drugs are much easier to procure than Heroin—and are highly sought after. If your kid is dealing them (like so many are) they can bring in cash quick. I’ve had 16-year-olds tell me that they have gone upwards of an hour out of their way, into Newark and Brooklyn, to score pills—sometimes to use but also to resell to those ‘uppity kids’ that are willing to pay double.

Mollies are also known as MDMA, the active ingredient in Ecstasy, a name you may be more familiar with. Have you ever wondered who ‘Molly’ is, as if spoken in the first person? I have had kids tell me how easy it is to go get high on Mollies; they wouldn’t even lie to their parents: “Hey I’m going over to my friend Molly’s with Stef, be back later (chuckle, chuckle).” Ecstasy—E for short—a drug I grew up seeing spread through my high school like wildfire, is now not enough of a high for kids. Imagine that! No, now they need to take that E and make sure it is so pure and untouched that the high is like no other. A major “upper,” this drug is taking kids on a euphoric trip they won’t soon forget. But once that trip ends, the sadness begins. They want it again and again so it never ends.

Scary? Yes.

Cocaine and heroin may be more well-known than the previous drugs I mentioned,  and they are still popular and in demand. I don’t want to continue referencing how not-old I am, but as a teen I remember thinking that heroin was something homeless people did, something that “crackheads” did—washed-up celebs and people in inner city slums. Well folks, heroin is now living next door to you and cocaine is probably babysitting your child. And they are both breaking into your car and your home to feed their habit. It’s left the inner city—it’s in the suburbs, it’s in your hometown, it’s on most streets in most places. The bubbly cheerleader? Yeah, she’s done coke. The honors student with the scholarship? Uh huh, he’s shot up too. Cocaine is being used as a weight control supplement with girls and considered a fun way to meet people at parties. The problem with cocaine and heroin is getting worse, as far as I can see, before it starts to get better. Heroin, as you may or may not know, is also an opiate derived from morphine. It’s mainly seen as a painkiller, like most opiates, but heroin is strategically used for euphoric highs as well. As a therapist working with teens nothing can open your eyes faster than track marks on a 15-year-old’s arms.

What’s going on out there? Has it always been this bad and only now are we opening our eyes? I’m not so sure.

(For some extra info, I recommend googling “lean,” otherwise known as a cough medicine-based drink that every rapper your child knows talks about. Active ingredient: any cough syrup in your medicine cabinet. It’s also worth mentioning that Adderall or really any Rx drug is now being crushed and snorted or smoked. #Truth.)

I remember being forced to sit in health class and watch dated videos and hear speakers warn against the seriousness of drug use. Does that still happen in schools? But you know what? Even without the phys ed department breathing down my neck I still had my parents!

My mom had a look—just a look—that would scare the crap out of me. Her look was worse than any drug I could put into my body. Just the idea of being caught doing something I was not supposed to be doing genuinely scared me. I am not trying to blame parents for their child’s addiction issues; on the contrary I am trying to empower them. Have you ever met the parent of an addict? They are beaten and worn. They have been blaming themselves since they figured it out (or since they were told) and they are struggling to stay above water. They finally manage to get their kid to go for some form of help. Here is the realistic next scene: Half of the kids come in and ‘work’ that help. These kids hear the threats of their parents, police threats, removal of iPads and iPods and videogames, removal of TVs and their car privileges and—probably most effective—their phones. Parents can take it all away in a moment of desperation. You want all that stuff back? Prove it! Earn it! Now, the other half of these kids have the I-just-don’t-know-what-I-can-do parents. Last I checked parents do still have rights. Which kid do you think has a better chance of kicking the habit? Those hands-off parents end up with kids showing no motivation to stop their habit. I watch that habit get worse and worse until hospitalization is inevitable.

If you have a kid in your home that is actively using, you can call anyone you need to: crisis services, police, whoever! I have dispensed the same advice numerous amounts of times: Take all their stuff away! Everything you can. Your little addict probably doesn’t want to go to school so I say make them spend as much time there as possible, even if you have to drive them yourself and walk them in every day and pick them up too. (Oh yeah, I suggest threatening that, too). Never let them out of your sight. Yes, you are making their life challenging socially, but you are also inadvertently forcing many of them into their own (much needed) detox. Maybe it’s just me but I’d happily live with my child resenting me for a while over living while my kid kills himself with drugs.

First line of defense: Confiscate that phone! I guarantee you that if you grab their phone (and what teenager doesn’t have a phone?) and you dial each number in the phone book you are bound to find a dealer, or two or three. Now, don’t go blaming their schools or asking about private academies or homeschooling. I get more calls from schools referring kids to me than their parents. These adolescents need every ounce of trust stripped away. They need to hit bottom, and feel it, cold and hard beneath them. They need to know that you are serious and you will skip work, put the house on lockdown and do whatever it takes to keep your kid clean and away from the classic “just one more” hit. Please don’t ask me how many “one last hits” I’ve seen wind up in intensive care from accidental overdoses. All of a sudden parents don’t feel so bad about forcing those surprise at-home drug tests.

Now, what if your adorable little one is still pure of heart and has not touched a substance?

1. Never stop talking. Be real with your kids. Don’t bother telling them how terrible marijuana is and how addictive it can be. Their friends have already smoked, they’ve already heard about pot being legalized in several states and they aren’t going to buy it. Let them know that you know what is out there. Be honest and be believable. When I speak to the kids I work with I tell them about a girl I worked with for months who had to learn how to hold a pencil again after accidentally overdosing. Or about the boy who took only 2 hits of synthetic marijuana and became psychotic—for life. Sometimes I tell the story of the kid who thought he was buying pot but had no idea it was laced with cocaine.

2. Observe. A typical teenager looks a lot like a drug-addicted teenager, which isn’t too surprising. So moms and dads need to pay extra close attention! Do you see changes in behavior? Was your child once social but is now isolating herself? Was your kid always happy and now seems bitter and irritable? Even small things like changes in appetite can be warning signs. If your teen gets $10 for lunch every day but is coming home hungrier than usual, ask them what they ate. Could that $10 have gone elsewhere? Think, think, think. Stay one step ahead.

3. Ask questions. And scrutinize answers! What’s this new number on the phone bill? Why is it being called so often? Where is your kid finding the money to buy all that new stuff you happen to notice? Who are these new people they are hanging out with? Ask where they are going. Ask where they have been.

Kids, teens, adolescents, punks (just kidding)—whatever you want to call them—they all believe they are invincible. But with caring adults in their lives, that means there’s someone there to help plant their feet firmly on the ground. I wish I could say therapists can do it all but we really can’t. Without parents backing us up we won’t get too far. Therapists unfortunately deal all too often with the frustrations of a parent unwilling to parent. Think of the benefits your hard work can produce? Your child, living life …

Living.

http://youtu.be/fvDQy53eldY

An eye-opening article about mental healthcare in the US.

When Hugs Can’t Mend Hearts

I am a therapist but I am also a human being. It is near impossible for me to keep my emotions out of what I do and what I say. And in this moment, as I am completely heartbroken for my country over a senseless shooting I can think only with my emotions.

 I am a clinician who works with children and young adults. I see the innocence, albeit sometimes the innocence coincides with mental illness. I, like so many of you, felt for those parents. The parents who could not hold their child and tell them it would be okay. The parents that got those calls saying something terrible had happened. The parents who came to that school to pick up their child, to save them … but their child was not found. My heart aches for them. My heart also breaks for those who survived this. Today massive amounts of children lost their innocence not just the ones slain but also those who have to grow up knowing that is, unfortunately, sometimes real life. A madman took their innocence away and it will take hard work of the entire community to get that innocence back.

I can remember being in elementary school. That carefree feeling of knowing your family and your teachers and your community were all there to protect you. But how do we continue to offer protection when we cannot realistically prevent these tragedies from happening. I am anti-guns and I am also pro-mental health. It is not one solution versus the other but a combination of both that is needed. Maybe I am the crazy one for believing that any adult who wants to purchase a gun should have to go through a strict psychological evaluation. And that same person should have to be registered on multiple lists: schools, places of worship and local police stations. They all should have lists with those who choose to purchase guns and have limits of one gun per person. Those guns should cost upwards of thousands of dollars and not be sold at every Wal-Mart in town. Perhaps I can go even further into the future where guns are registered via fingerprints and every school and every office and every mall in America has a fingerprint scanner that you must go through. Will that ensure our safety? No. Sure, I know I sound crazy and that I am going overboard but maybe that’s what we need? Maybe if we made it difficult for these people to own these weapons, maybe then people will find it is not worth it. I know we will never rid the world of guns, in fact I know that as the population grows so does the amount of weaponry produced and I know my blog does not change government policies but maybe our voices do and maybe it is time to start somewhere!

I do not want to raise my children in a world where they must fear those same places that should be their safe havens. I want to be able to send my child to school and not have the faces of these 20 children running through my mind: Columbine, West Virginia, Aurora CO, Newtown CT, and many more. This list is far too long and too many lives have been lost. I’d like to see a Governor, Mayor or Senator perhaps even a President take a stand on changing this. The war on guns and the importance of mental health screenings are not going to become everyday chatter over night. And when I meet my next child client who asks me why I will not know what to say. I’ll help that child play and create and talk about how they feel but I will not have the answer they will search for. I blog typically with a purpose but I feel I am blogging tonight to vent as a person who is so disgusted, saddened and scared.

Moms and dads hug your children and offer them a safe place to talk to you tonight. They may have questions and they may be scared but what they need is your love and your protection now more than ever. Children are resilient and their resiliency will give them strength. As children hear about this and see the images we know they will see therapists and teachers will need to do the same. Let us not forget these are children and sometimes it is okay to tell them that everything is all right even though we know it is not.

Thoughts and prayers to those who lost their lives and to the families, friends and educators effected.

The Choice is Yours

As Janet Jackson sang, “When it has to do with my life, my life, I wanna be the one in control.” Even at age 20, Janet Jackson understood what so many young people are searching for.

When you are _______-teen (regardless of the number that precedes that word) control is not something you have an abundance of. Or at least you never think you do. The more I work with this population the more I see just how important a sense of control is: Why do you cut yourself? “I can’t control my emotions.” Do you remember why or how your eating disorder began? “Everything around me was falling apart.” Why are you drinking/smoking/using? “I don’t know? Because I can.” 

 Let’s take a step back and examine an important root of these behaviors: anger. An emotion so raw to all of us that each person experiences it differently. Where does that anger come from? How does it manifest itself? When you are at an age where you barely understand yourself, how can you understand your emotions?

 I know I am probably not the first person to recognize this pattern but the more I see parents illustrating their power and control over their children the more I see those children acting out. Most therapists know that those with eating disorders are usually seeking some type of control in their life. They control their body, no one else. Same idea with those who self-harm.

 Let’s look outside of the typical “control-seekers.” Take Jill, a teenage girl suffering from a chronic medical condition. It is not a condition that is typically life threatening, however it can be. In her case it is a condition that landed her in the hospital multiple times per year since she was diagnosed at age 9. Jill would go into the hospital, and from the moment she arrived she’d lose all of her control. She had little to no choice about what was going to happen, tests she would be subjected to, medical procedures she will endure, etc. I met Jill in the midst of remission from her illness and found that she is acting out at home. Jill constantly argues with family members, drinks excessively whenever she can and is suffering from anxiety and depression. How do I, as a therapist, help Jill gain control over her life?

 Here’s a start: Jill, what color paper do you want to use today? Do you want to work with clay or collage? Do you want to talk or create? Jill was triggered by always being told what to do and finding that she had no say in her life. Each choice I offered Jill became a step towards independence and confidence. The choices would become more elaborate as Jill began to gain more and more control over her emotions.

 After weeks of therapy, changes begin to occur. Jill’s self-esteem increases and her mood gets noticeably improved. Jill doesn’t have to drink in order to illustrate her power. After working with her family they too understand how choices—the mere act of deciding between two or more things—can help Jill gain a sense of control back in her otherwise uncontrollable life.  Jill’s parents now understand how important making choices are to someone like Jill and they can offer some of those choices when appropriate. Her fears of going back to the hospital become reduced as well once Jill realizes what she is in control of there:

 No, I don’t want my blood taken now, please come back in 30 minutes.

I’d prefer to listen to music during my MRI.

I want to take my medication with juice not water.

These may sound like simple requests, but to someone who strives for privacy and control that is placed in a hectic environment, they are peace of mind.

 Meet Sam. Sam is trying to deal with her parents’ divorce. They fight all of the time and she usually has the job of taking her little brother out of the room and keeping him busy. No one asked Sam about how she feels when her parents fight. No one asked her if she wants her parents to stay together or not. Eventually they separate and her father makes the decision to not see Sam anymore. He does, however, decide to continue seeing her brother. Sam was never asked whom she wants to see or whom she wants in her life. An adult in her life made this choice without any regard to her feelings or thoughts. As you can imagine Sam was triggered by this.

As I work with Sam I offer her choices for everything: What color marker would you like to use first? Which game do you want to play today? At the beginning of therapy Sam had a difficult time making decisions for herself. She would often look back at me and ask my thoughts. My response was always the same: This is your choice to make.

 Eventually Sam’s confidence builds and she begins speaking more freely about topics she used to avoid. Sam hated talking about her father; it was clear she was angry about his choices, but what would eventually come out is that she was angry that she ever had to have him in her life to begin with.

 Sam was asked to create a before and after drawing: What was life like before your parents separated and what is life like after? Below is the ‘before’ image:

 

Sam is at the bottom of the page stuck in between her parents arguing. The anger and hostility surrounds her and she appears frozen, stuck in the moment, no way out. Sam did not have to create the ‘after’ image; instead she chose to show me. She put her hands behind her head, kicked her feet up and smiled while saying, “Ahhhhhh.” She explained that she is happier and more relaxed in her ‘after’ picture. Through a series of choices Sam was able to successfully get to a point in her therapy where she could talk about the choices she makes. She has no interest in seeing her father and when offered to see or speak to him she chooses to answer with, “No.”

 Choices to children and adolescents are a critical part of their development. It is my understanding that self-esteem and confidence is a direct route to one’s happiness. Being able to make decisions, even the smallest ones, can increase one’s self-esteem. Good choices help us move forward and feel confident; bad choices help us learn from our ways. When I meet with families for the first time I always encourage choices. Parents are in control—this is typically true and important, of course.  Part of having that control is knowing when you can loosen it versus tighten it. Those parental reins can become suffocating at times; if your child cannot find a way to breathe through them they’ll begin making their own paths—and it may not be in the right direction.

Preventative Work

How can we, as clinicians, work to not only prevent suicide but to take a supposed “negative” trait and turn it into a “positive”? How do we promote and utilize those unique qualities in order to help decrease fear and shame?

Chronic blushing leads to suicide

Artists and art therapists (or those with some time to kill) meet my new obsession

Creating Happily Ever After

Do little girls still want to be princesses when they grow up? Do little boys dream of going into outer space? The dreams that I hear from the kids I work with have been much more realistic: “I want to have a family again” …  “I want us to be happy … .” As of late I have seen a growing trend in my private practice of messy divorces. Divorce is difficult in itself when all parties included see eye-to-eye and parents are getting along. Take one neglectful parent, add in various children, multiply by lawyers and custody hearings and you have one recipe for disaster.

Divorce at times is inevitable—I know this. I also know I am a therapist and it is part of my job to be non-judgmental, but I must admit I have been judging. I have been judging those parents that “walked out” of their children’s lives for various reasons. I have been judging those parents that pick and choose which of their children they’d like to see and which they could do without seeing. I have been judging and I can’t seem to stop myself. Granted I have my moments of, “Well maybe I don’t know the whole picture” or “Maybe there is a whole other side of the story?” But, if I am being honest, I meet these broken-hearted and innocent children … and I judge. I am human.

So now I have these adorable and sweet, scared and angry children in my office.  With each story they tell me and each painting they create I am often left wondering about their happily ever afters. We read stories at times not thinking of what a 6-year-old may take from it. When we read, “And they lived happily ever after,” do they think, “What about me?” Sure most of what I am doing is preventative work; Mom/dad has recently walked out leaving holes in their lives and hearts. Holes that don’t get filled with all the toys or candy the “staying” parent can buy. I was recently working with a 10-year-old girl who almost appeared numb to the fact that her father had walked out of her life. She was able to create a cheerful sand-tray world and play with toys provided. But when I questioned her about the last time she got angry this young girl went from thinking to immediate sadness. Her affect changed along with her posture. She lost eye contact with me completely. She told me a story about a pet that had passed away, and with most of the story she cried. I validated her sadness but continued to question about the anger. The anger was towards dad. This young girl remembered vividly that on the day her pet was dying on the kitchen floor, her father, coldly, stepped over him and left to go fishing, without acknowledging the loss this house and family was about to feel.  She questioned so much of this one action that her father had taken. But she was left with no answers—only tears.

I have worked with children of divorce for years now and it never gets any easier. I knew that this girl I was working with was associating her sadness towards dad leaving as her anger—and appropriately so.  She communicates herself so eloquently for her age; “Sometimes when I get angry I get really sad and I cry.” I suppose if I was mostly angry because of “sad” things, I’d cry too.

A few years ago I was working with another young girl who also did not have her father in her life. Her story, and how it differs from the first, was that she had never known her father. She was old enough to know that dad was in the picture right up until a few weeks after she was born. Her sand-trays portrayed guilt and anger, mostly towards herself. “This is your fault!” This was something she shouted at a figure, eerily similar to herself looks-wise. Throughout our sessions she continued to show the events of her life: some good, some bad, but all without her father. At the end of one session the little girl traveled to a far-away land, in a forest and came upon her “daddy” and, you guessed it, they lived “happily ever after.”

As I continue to work with these children I find that I need to help them conquer their own happily ever after—be it school, friends, family, make believe or others. Strategically placed figures outside a sand-tray, creating happiness with art, and writing their own stories—as they see them. So far we are making great strides in building up self-esteem and character, illustrating the positives—the “happy”—in their lives and focusing on how strong those positives can be. Is this enough to help them with their “once upon a time?” Well I am no fairy godmother but I certainly hope my Therapist Fairy Dust is up to par!

Storms come and go. And come. And go …

Working with teens can be trying; nothing new there. They have difficult issues that come up often and they are not easily swayed from believing they are right … about EVERYTHING.

I have girls and boys ages 13 through 18 in my after-school teen group interacting with one another. Sometimes we have BFFs and sometimes we don’t! Recently a co-worker and myself had a great group process session—amazing participation and tremendous feedback from everyone. But when things seem to be going well with the teens you can sense the storm coming. The first group ended and it was cleaer that one of the older teens was not in a good mood; she appeared angry and began to isolate without any precipitant as far as we could see. Another concerned young lady began to question her about what was going on with her mood …

BOOM! Thunder and lightning.

Before I knew what was happening I was hearing the word b*tch and girls were screaming, crying and cursing. Granted only two girls (at this time) were involved, but the volume would have led you to believe it was a full-on battle royale. While trying to contain the situation it seemed to get better … then worse …  and then appeared to mellow out for good. But before all was said and done I was left with one girl stating, “I don’t feel safe here anymore;” another girl saying so and so is “such a b*tch;” and one more girl who was innocently dragged into all of this was crying silently, feeling as if all that unfolded was her fault. One of the girls who appeared to have started much of the chaos stated, “I was just saying how I felt, I wasn’t even being mean.” Sigh.

The teens went home—emotionally hurt; therapists left—exhausted.

I decided even before the next day began that some type of group-cohesiveness-building activity was much needed. And when next the day started the tension was still pretty thick. I felt the storm clouds moving back in and thought to myself, Oh no, not again?!

Everyone was brought together for a group mural exercise. The paper was laid out and only crayons and colored pencils were given. The group was told to use the art materials provided to illustrate with words or images what they, as individuals, find hurtful. The entire paper was filled with some disturbing words and thoughts: fat, anorexic b*tch, stupid, f%ck-up, a burden, ugly, give up, crazy, not worth it, hate, etc. It was a lot to take in. The group was told to get up and walk around and see if they could find anything that they would say is not hurtful. Some people did point out some words or phrases that they stated would not necessarily hurt them … but they were able to see why the words could possibly be seen as hurtful to someone else. Some even stated, “This is why you have to think before you say something.”

It sure is.

The next step was for the group to take markers and paint and cover the negative mural they had created with positivity. They were told to use other words, phrases or images that they would want to hear or like to hear. The group became energized at this point. Teens were walking around finding empty spots to paint, cover words, changing phrases from negative to positive. They were laughing, talking and—dare I say?—bonding! Relief swept over the therapists’ faces as the group appeared to become whole again. The chatter included some saying “You’re not fat;” “No one should call you stupid;” “People don’t understand how much words can hurt.” No they certainly don’t.

The group may or may not have learned the lesson I was trying to convey—what you may not think is hurtful for you could be for someone else—but I happily accepted the idea that the drama had been squashed and we were ready to move on together as a group. 

Banishing Bullying-hopefully this reaches a wider audience